Sometimes

...I wonder what the hell I am doing here. Tomorrow is the bone marrow biopsy and I am nervous for the results. Should the outcome be favorable it means that we are on line for the transplant on May 3rd, which brings a whole new reality into play. Should the results be negative there are many scary questions to be answered. I am surprised at how okay I am with being here. I know it has only been a few days but the longing I expected to feel for my old life is not here. It feels surreal as to how right everything seems. I have my moments of fear and resentment but for the most part I have grabbed my new role by the horns and dug in. I am aware that all the immediate goals in my life have changed and I feel no resistance to this change. I walked outside at dusk tonight in a huge open field. I mean enormous, it is an actual air field for small planes. I have always imagined myself doing this. While in the city I remember craving a big open field to wander through and think. I got to do this tonight, I watched the sunset over a lake and sat on a pier. I prayed, I thought, I watched. I feel whole, which is strange because I am surrounded by uncertainty and change. My name was called out many times today. Carolyn.....Carolyn....Carolyn....where are you, where is this, where did you go? Ramblings. Good night!

I have moved

It has been three months in the making, but I have officially moved to Kansas. Timing has been tricky and I have been going back and forth often. It feels strange to know that a return to seattle is going to now be a visit. It is strange to know that my mail will be delivered in a jeep with a PostOffice sticker in the rear window! (live in the boonies) I got off the plane last night and was excited to see my Dad, and then speeding down the freeway to bring him to the Hospital. It was a wake up call as to why I am here, and what is ahead. I am glad I am here. The air has that dewy smell that only true midwesterners will recognize as a thunder storm coming. The sky is larger than ever and filled with stars. My room is foreign and waiting for my touches to make it mine. I don't dare think to long about the people and possibilities that I left behind, too soon. I do ruminate on the unknown future that awaits me and is happening now, the possibilities that are ahead, the people I will meet, the stories I will learn. The new chapter has begun.

All of this fake intimacy is making me feel a little unsteady. The promises that flow off the tongue like honey. The sweet embraces, the eyes that light up with promise. I can suspend my disbelief with new surroundings, and unfamiliar faces. I can start again only to come to the same conclusion or perhaps a brand new one. That Hope, fucking hope, it makes humans of us all. This time things will be different, this time I will rise to the human being that I was created to be...This time I will trust, I will love, I will commit, I will pay my bills on time, I will educate my mind and body, I will smile at the stanger.

Goodness I am so angry. i find myself wanting to strangle people for the things that come out of their mouths. I am wanting to scream at friends, and scowl at children. I want things to be different. I want people to mean what they say. Occasionally, someone will say something to me and their eyes actually match their words. Those are the moments to cherish, those are the moments to remember.

We've all had those moments in life where we learned something we wish we hadn't learned. The bad news situation, it comes in so many forms. The friend that shares a confidence that involves our lives, unbeknowenst to them, the doctor explaining the course of action we now are faced with, the friend that can't get inside when all you want is for them to be inside, the disconnect, the family members that mirror all the tragedy and the joy, the utter awareness that we were wrong, down to the core wrong, the aknowledgment of deficiancy. The craving for truth of love. The craving for power over this situation!

Those moments

Last night I got some time with my Dad. I asked questions and did way more listening than talking. I was supposed to meet up with a friend but as life would have it, he was busy with work. Thank Goodness. I love it when moments line up. Plans change, and the conversation that was meant to be had, is. I am in awe of my father. I adore him. I love his perspective and wit. He has a way of making everything clear and meaningful. He told me of his past loves and passions and of events in the courtroom that stood out. He was feeling good and able to focus his eyes. They glistened. I thought to myself, he made me. He is in me. Right at that moment my father said to me, "I see a lot of me in you." Wow. I felt so blessed and honored to be in that group. A person like him. I still don't see much of it, but I trust him, and therefore believe it. I awoke this morning to find him much altered, modern medical science is terrifying. My strong father was weak and in pain. His hands and feet were on fire and he was unable to walk or hold a cup. Getting him to the clinic was difficult and overwhelming. This man who has argued in front of the Supreme Court was at my mercy, and I was grateful to be able to help him. I am fearful of his future and of that pain that will increase. Family relationships are tense and surreal. The love is palpable as well as the fear. This reality that has become mine is strange and different and wonderful. I think of the people that are lucky enough to call him friend and then I think of us who are blessed enough to call him Dad, Brother, Son, Uncle. Everyone leaves a stamp on this world, an imprint of themselves both in life and in death. I wonder who has really known this man? I know this Man! These moments are what life is all about, these moments.

Two Days

I have been in Kansas for two days and if feels like two weeks. So much to do, so much to think, so much to say. My entire family is here (even my mother) which is wonderful and trying all at once. I fondly remember the time I had with my Dad when it was just he and I. I felt I had the time to talk, to ease into a conversation, to sit quietly with him and know that our silence spoke volumes. I now have to share and that is difficult. It has always been difficult to share my father. I grew up with so little time with him and now feel as if I have less. I ask why I didn't move sooner, I look at him and see little pieces of myself, I look at him and see big pieces that I wish I had. This is an extremely confusing time and in that way I am happy to have support and help. We will know much more tomorrow about weather this new treatment is working and I am excited and filled with fear. One note of advice to people, DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH BIG SAD PUPPY EYES, he is not dead and may not even be dying! He is fighting and I am in his corner until the bitter end!

Things!

I'm moving to Kansas! The big change is one I'm looking forward to, yet fearful! Packing up my things, and realizing such a different life is a few weeks away. Everything is amplified and I wonder why I don't live in this way normally. Seeing my friends and all the things they bring to my life. Feeling surrounded by well wishes and faith. Seeing this city and the beauty of it! Also seeing things that I have spent too much energy on, having my priorities change. Startling and Humbling. Seeing the people and things I did put my energy into and being so grateful that I do. Looking forward to the new relationships I will form and the new things I will learn. Finding the actual word that "thing" represents!